Anonymous asked: What book is the "I want you" quote from?

I do believe it was “Before I Die” by Jenny Downham. ‘Twas a wonderful book.

Wow, it’s funny how the same Canadian actors are basically used for every Canadian show. There are hardly any different and new Canadian actors. Like let’s look at Degrassi.
Dylan Everett, the newest addition to the season twelve cast has worked with Melinda Shankar on How to be Indie. He has worked with Justin Kelly and Demetrius (insert last name here) in The Latest Buzz. Plus, the girl who played Rebecca in The Latest Buzz had a small role in Degrassi once. I’m also pretty sure that actress Vanessa from The Latest Buzz appeared on Degrassi, but I could be wrong. Not to mention, our little bad boy Eli, aka Munro Chambers was on The Latest Buzz aswell. Dylan and Demetrius also co starred on Wingin’ It.
I’m sure there are more connections, but those are the ones I can think of off the top of my head.
PS Dylan Everett is such a small child (like me! [and he’s the same age too so it works out!)] and it’s like ungg just come let me love youuuuu, you’re so cute, we’d be the perfect size for each other cirnzjsisjnsixndneifsuxjsnxjdidk ugh. You are so cute. What a shame you probably live in Toronto. IT’S OKAY, WE CAN MAKE THE DISTANCE WORK.
I need to stop fan girling over other guys. I’m sure it makes some people uncomfortable. ;)
Kbye that is all. It just frustrates me how the same actors are used all the time. I mean, good for them, but I want new peeps!

DYLAN EVERETT IS GOING TO BE PART OF THE SEASON 12 CAST.

DYLAN.

EVERETT.

THAT REALLY GOOD LOOKING KID FROM HOW TO BE INDIE AND WINGIN’ IT.

AND I JUST FOUND OUT HE’S THE SAME AGE AS ME.

OH MY GOSH YOU ARE TOO WAEJKNDLKWFNLKWJNDFKLQWEFNKLJDSF.

BUT APPARENTLY, HIS CHARACTER, CAM, IS IN A PLOT LINE THAT INVOLVES MAYA. MY LEAST FAVOURITE CHARACTER.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Seriously though.

Dylan Everett.

Unf.

And I just found out he was in the movie Frenemies.

Oh my gosh. Someone. Watch this with me. PLEASE. PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE OH MY GOSH PLEASE.

I just watched the Degrassi promo again. I think it’d be less painful if someone pushed me off a bridge. Because seriously. I can’t even contain my fangirling right now. I can’t even. Guys. GUYS.

DID YOU WATCH IT.

IT’S.

TOO.

BEAUTIFUL.

OH MY GAWD.

You know what bothers me?

Every time I step on my bathroom scale before I shower. I detest looking at the number that comes up, but even more, I hate the first thought that pops up in my head when I see it:

I hate myself.

Why do I think this? I don’t. I don’t freaking hate myself, so why did I think it? Why is it that every time I do think it, I regret it immediately and I cringe in disgust for even allowing myself to think such a horrid thing? I don’t hate myself. I don’t, I really don’t.

I thought I was above all that, past it all. All that stupid weight nonsense. I thought I was the only girl who didn’t care about her weight, I thought I stopped caring. Because really, why should I care? Me, of all people. A four foot eleven inches tall little girl. I’m not fat. Everyone has fat. I have that fat. But I’m not overweight. Yes, my arms jiggle a little and my thighs are massive when I sit down and my belly has that little pudginess to it, but I’m not fat. I’m glad that my thighs don’t really touch, my ribs and collarbones are apparent. I’m comfortable in my own skin. I like my body. So why do I weigh myself everyday? Why do I count my calories? Why do I stay away from fast food and junk food? Why do I cringe just thinking about eating greasy food with an unidentifiable amount of calories in it?

More importantly, why do I not allow myself to eat unless I’ve finished all my work? As if my hunger is my motivator to make me do my work.

Huh.

But what bothers me is that number. It makes me feel ashamed, as if I should not be that weight, it should be lower. That number is too high for my liking. It makes no sense. I’m not fat, but why does my number say otherwise? I thought I was actually looking thinner, but my scale says something else. I guess it’s because I gained a lot of weight the past year and I am no longer as light as I wish to be. I tell everybody the same number, but in actuality, it’s not that. I’m flattering myself by thinking it’s that. It’s not. My weight is higher than that.

But… it’s not even high. You know what my BMI is? 18.2. You know what’s considered underweight? Anything less than 18.5.

I don’t like feeling insecure about my weight. It’s just something that bothers me. I just… I suppose I have a complicated relationship with food. I really enjoy food. I like eating food all the time in small portions. But at the same time, I’m always watching what I eat, always guessing the amount of calories it is, wondering if it’s worth it. I don’t know. Maybe that’s why I’m so insecure when people watch me when I eat. When they judge what I’m eating. Ew, that’s so fattening. Do you know how bad that is for you? That’s so much, how can you even eat all of that? I know this is not what they’re thinking, but I can’t help but think that’s what they’re doing.

Sometimes, I reject people when they offer me food, and when they start saying how I should eat something or comment on my lack of eating, I eat it just to prove them wrong. Sometimes I make up an excuse to not eat it though like, “I’m not hungry” even though I haven’t eaten in hours because I’m scared of the number of calories it contains. When they offer me something like a drink or food, I generally say nothing. However, if they keep insisting, I always ask for water. Want to know why? Because water has no calories, that’s why. I’ve either reached my maximum amount of calories for the day or I know I will when I get home. I try to save the amount of calories left so that I can eat something greasy or fattening at home. I don’t know. It’s irrational, this insecurity. I have every reason not to be insecure, yet I am.

I could just blame it on society. Society has made me this way. But it’s not society. The media says that a size 2 dress size is perfect. I am a size two. Size 0 jeans are ideal. I’m a size zero. So you see, it’s not society that’s wrong, it’s me.

Silly little irrational me.

It’s times like these where I really disgust myself. I am absolutely disgusted. What have I become? I am better than that. Why should I degrade myself? It’s not going to please anyone. I’m too lazy to even do anything about it anyway, so why be so insecure?

Sigh.

Anyway, I didn’t really want to post this but my reluctance is the exact reason why I am. I just felt like those who read my blog should know. I don’t know. It’s something I had to put out there.

My name is Diana Lu and I am insecure about my weight.

I am a stupid little teenage girl who is the same as everyone else because she feels the need to be skinny.

How disgusting.

La la la laaa…………………

So, I’m supposed to be working on my psych essay due on Thursday. Technically, I did work on it. I got my page set up, my resources out (five websites, the minimum requirement for the essay) and uh… yeah. I researched how to do the whole MLA format thing. I’m generally good at citing things, I just wanted to get the proper format and stuff. I looked at some of the examples Mr. Rankin had and it’s so easy. Like, two paragraphs each page, not even the standard five sentences long paragraphs. It’s like, three sentences. This is so easy.

SO WHY HAVEN’T I FINISHED.

Everyone has seen the Avengers. Everyone except for me, that is. It’s disappointing. I would name names, but I’ll just use code names for now but basically:

• Tim went with Alyssa
• Morgan went with her cousin Penny
• Jody went with friends
• Cynthia went with family
• Chad went with friends
• Gretta went with friends

And that’s basically my list of people to watch movies with. Why did I code their names, I don’t know. Because it’s amusing and I like naming things (even though those are such terrible not desirable names - NO OFFENSE). Everyone I know has seen it. All my close friends and everything.

THANKS FOR INVITING ME.

Though technically, someone did ask me if I wanted to go see it with them but then we never really made plans and then they went to watch it with their friends and now they are on my list of people who have already seen the movie without me.

I suppose I could ask my other friends, but…

Sigh.

Whatevs.

WHO NEEDS THE AVENGERS.

Anyway, I’ve been listening to Train lately. They have such lovely songs. I want to learn “This Ain’t Goodbye” on le piano but, like every song I learn on the piano, I’ll probably stop halfway through. 

Whatta quitter.

I need to brush up on my french. Go over my french notes from the previous years so that I know what I’m doing when I go to Quebec this summer.

MLA format is gross.

I accidently hit my arm on the staircase railing thingy today and it hurts now because I somehow managed to cut myself on it (wtf, how does that even happen, it’s a RAILING) so now I have a cut on my forearm and it’s throbbing and stuff. But hey, at least the swelling went down. It was all red and itchy and swollen until a few hours ago, so that’s good. 

I need to learn sign language. Technically, I don’t NEED to do anything, but I want to learn sign language. Lets just add it on my list of useless knick knacks that I can do, along with solving the Rubik’s Cube (but it takes me like, four minutes so I should probably work on doing it faster), fluently tapping/writing/expressing things in morse code, reciting pi to the 225th digit, and uh yeah. I tried to learn how to juggle just to add to this list, but it never really worked out. I kind of stopped after like, three days of failure (but I heard it takes at least a week of constant training to learn how).

I also want to learn constellations so that I can be that one cool kid who points out stars at night and stuff and I can’t even imagine a situation where I will be able to use this skill but hey, why not. Another thing I wish to learn is the location of EVERY country in the ENTIRE WORLD. If not all, then most. I want to be able to look at a map and point to a piece of land and state the name of that country or region or continent or whatever. HUMAN ATLAS, YAY.

I’m a loser who likes knowing useless junk, okay. It happens.

My mouse is being dumb and it keeps double clicking every time I click something. UGH.

My math teacher got an iPad 3 yesterday. I’M SO JEALOUS. THE ONE I WANT TOO; 16GB WIFI. UGH WEIRFJKCNDSLWENFLKQJEWNFLKJQWNEFLKJSNDF

But it was like, $530 so uhm, it’s okay. I’d rather save up for the $4000 Mac Book Pro I want. MUAHAHAHAHAHHA.

SOON.

I took a nap today. Except my naps are like, three or four hours long. UGH SUCH A WASTE OF TIME. I DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO TAKE A NAP. I WASN’T EVEN TIRED. Until I put my head on my pillow, that is.

So I was going through some stuff before and I stumbled across this really dark short… story? Is that what it is? Hm. A dark short story I wrote October 5th 2011 and I found it interesting because like, it’s the kind of story that makes you look at the author and think,”What was going through this person’s mind when they wrote this?!” I showed my friend in math class the other day - I NEVER EVER EVER show anyone any of my stuff - because she showed me her story (I reblogged it not too long ago because - not foreshadowing anything, but - I felt like that could totes happen to me and I could see myself in that story NOT BECAUSE I CUT BUT BECAUSE OF STUFF OKAY) and I wanted to share mine because mine was crazy and uhm. I don’t know. But I’ve been reading it over and over and it’s just… I don’t know. I suppose I could post it here maybe but like, for the very few people who actually read this blog, I don’t want you guys to think I’m crazy and stuff. But then again, what do I care. But… hm. Maybe one day I shall post it.

I also came across a poem that I wrote March 15th, 2011 (a day after Pi day!):

“A smile can hide so much” he once said.
as I laid there with him alone in his bed.
“the stars, the skies, they’re so high”
little did he know my thoughts on suicide.

The pain is unbearable, the hurt is too much
It runs through my nerves with every touch.
the blade, so cool, so sharp oh indeed.
little did he know that I was in need.

I smile so wide everyday at my school.
listening obediently to all of the rules.
They don’t care when they all walk by.
they don’t even stop and say their goodbyes.

Tonight’s the night, I can feel it right now.
I must be careful; I don’t want to be so loud. 
The rope is ready, and all of the such.
Everyone knows; a smile can hide so much.

Makes me wonder what kind of junk I was going through last year. Huh. Crazy.

Actually, I think the story behind that poem was that I saw the quote and I really liked it and I was all, “MUST MAKE POEM OUT OF THIS.” so I made a poem.

Now that I think about it, last year was probably the best year of my life. What a shame it’s over.

Okay, this is a long post.

And it’s 12:10PM. But it’s a Friday night.

Another Friday night wasted. What a shame.

I just wanna be closer to you.

Chase Coy, YEAH!

Okay, goodnight people. :)